Cut it out, Occum!

Cut it out, Occam!
A parable by Donald Stark

“This Occam?”
“Occam, sir.”
“Chief Investigator here.”
“I recognized your voice, sir.”
“One would hope, after working for me for thirty years. Look, Occam, get down to the corner of Infi and Nitty. It has been reported that a body lies in front of the Hotel Accidental. See if there are any indications at the scene as to how it died and how it got there.”
“You mean natural causes or murder?”
“How many times do I have to tell you, Occam, all causes of death are natural, even those caused by murder.”
“Then what should I look...”
“Occam, your problem has always been that you ask too many questions, and the wrong ones. Go down there and find out if there is anything fishy about this body. If it died from causes other than natural, I want to know. If there is anything more important than my knowing–which is hard to imagine--it’s that the public will want to know.”
The Chief Investigator hung up, but no sooner had he stirred cream in his coffee and bitten off a chunk of doughnut than Occam was calling back.
“Gravity, sir.”
“Gravity! How is that?”
“The man is crushed from beneath.”
“You mean the earth came up and crushed him? How do you know something didn’t fall on him?”
“There’s nothing around, sir. Not only that, I’ve examined the body very closely, and it is crushed from underneath evenly throughout. I suggest that it fell from a great height. The pull of gravity accelerated it and the earth stopped it abruptly, crushing it evenly throughout.”
The Chief Investigator stopped chewing: “You usually fail me, Occam, but this time you’ve solved the problem quicker than...”
“Sir. I don’t think it is solved.”
“Obviously gravity and the earth’s surface caused this man’s death. That’s as natural as two causes get, Occam. What more could you ask of a theory? Keep it simple, Occam, that’s how I got where I am.”
“One more?”
“If you must.”
“Why was he falling?”
“Obviously you don’t know much about Newton and the laws of gravity.”
“No sir.”
“A thing will accelerate to a certain speed under the law of gravity, and maintain that speed until something stops it. In the case of this unfortunate man, he did and it did.”
“Where did he fall from?”
“The Sky, Occam!”
“I’ve checked with the airport and there were no airplanes aloft over Hotel Accidental at that hour.”
“Are you telling me that this guy just...”
“Something else fishy here, sir. The soles of the man’s shoes are caked with roof tar.”
“Occam, use your brain. It’s hardly conceivable that an airplane would have roof tar in it.”
“No, but the Hotel Accidental has roof tar on it. His footprints are on the roof. And! another set of tracks are right behind his.”
“Look, let’s keep it simple, Occam. Obviously gravity and the surface of the earth caused this man’s death. Were anyone else up there with him, they could in no way affect the force of gravity and the surface of the earth, the obvious reason for this man’s death. Cut out further considerations, write up the cause of death as natural, and report in. I’ll call the coroners office and tell them to collect the body.”